From a dark, in despair, fear of failure, a failure I had become. I could see no hope for my future and that’s when the lights went out, right down and out, to the bottom of the black pit.

From a well-adjusted happy person life was good all going as I wished until my business failed overnight without warning. I was a train wreck!

Bit by bit I tried to piece it back together. I soon lost my way and fell into depression and anxiety took over and along came a mental unbalance no motivation to live. I was shattered no energy no interest in my life or anybody else’s.

Why me? What did I do to deserve such demoralising fate? How did this happen? A business collapse overnight. The business was dead and wiped me out with it.

My confidence, my pride in what I believed in, shattered before my eyes!

My assets and finances disappeared back to zero like a rat down a drainpipe. My heart ripped out. I couldn’t not look friends or family squarely in the eye. I felt like such a loser, I was now a nobody; and who wants to know a nobody?

Then I woke one morning to find the fire within me extinguished and the passion that was my driving force in life dormant. I started to question myself — did I wish to continue on or just die there and then?

That decision led to a cascade of tumbling thoughts. Thoughts that were as dark as the nights they kept me from sleeping through. Like a shutter door slamming continually in the wind. I cried buckets of tears, uncontrollable sobbing, a sick feeling that was almost unbearable for days. I had very little incentive to live.

All the years of building strength in positive thinking had vanished. I curled up on the floor, trying to convince myself that I was never going to move from here ever again. Through the madness I could hear a soft voice. I could not tell where it was coming from, but I was sure it was directed to me. I could hear the words “you are not alone”. Those words continued to build over all of the noise and kept repeating over and over until I eventually shook my head. The voice was suddenly replaced by the thought of a poem I had kept on my office desk since I began in business over 35 years prior — Footprints In The Sand.

Where was it now that my office had been shut down? I began to scramble through boxes until I opened one where placed delicately on top was the poem…

“One night I dreamed a dream.

As I was walking along the beach with my Lord.

Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life.

For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand,

One belonging to me and one to my Lord.

After the last scene of my life flashed before me,

I looked back at the footprints in the sand.

I noticed that at many times along the path of my life,

especially at the very lowest and saddest times,

there was only one set of footprints.

This really troubled me, so I asked the Lord about it.

“Lord, you said once I decided to follow you,

You’d walk with me all the way.

But I noticed that during the saddest and most troublesome times of my life,

there was only one set of footprints.

I don’t understand why, when I needed You the most, You would leave me.”

He whispered, “My precious child, I love you and will never leave you

Never, ever, during your trials and testings.

When you saw only one set of footprints,

It was then that I carried you.”

What a fool I had been feeling sorry for myself.

Down and out believing I was a complete failure. Asking myself where my friends are. Everybody has deserted me I am on my own. Nowhere to turn I am on my own. Further and further into despair I went. then footsteps found me.

After reading this my lights went back on I was not alone the lord was with me and with him by myside I crawl out of the doom.

My attitude changed to one of pushing on at all costs. my mind was set yeti could not find the fire in my belly that I so needed to push on I questioned myself where has all my passion gone push on, I will find out, so I did!

My feelings began to accept my current fate.

I push on.

Where has all the fire gone from my belly?

Where is my passion for life?

I awoke one day to find the fire out and passion missing with in me.

I push on.

Why won’t the fire and passion return. My feelings accept my current fate.

I push on.

My past experience is an anchor to my future What was is now dead.

What will be will be.

I push on.

The words echo in my mind let go of the past reach to the sky follow a new path.

I push on.

Forgive myself for my past what was is no more.

I have forgiven myself.

But what I cannot do is to forget.

I push on.

Seek and Ye shall find my goodness.

How I seek but finding whatever it is I seek has not been to my liking.

I push on.

I lack energy.

Energy to breathe to move to smile.

I need a reason to keep pushing on Accepting myself as I am this is what.

I cannot do it results in my feelings telling me I am here only because I am a failure.

I push on.

The pray of the Praying Hands Courage and wisdom and the strength to know the difference.

I push on.

Here I am patting myself on the back at last.

All this time I have been beating myself up over being guilty of failure to my family and myself and others who trusted me it has been a mean streak of time.

I push on.

Goodbye guilt. Hello shame however…

I feel confident that I can live with shame.

The shame of making a mistake I believe making mistakes are part of one’s life we will learn from the mistake move on and look forward to.

Tomorrow with hope and love for a peaceful self.

Streak of time

The nickel man has just arrived, and I now have accepted the guilt trip and is done and done and dusted.

It’s now 5 days since I moved on and I find myself actually feeling happy with myself and looking forward to doing things I noticed I have been laughing and joining into discussions with other people and most of all enjoying their company.

My severe nightmares have subsided, and a couple of happy dreams have replaced them

Mornings are easier to wake up and to get out of bed and yes, I am now looking forward to the day ahead.

I push on.

However today is not a push I am actually looking forward to it.

My mind is searching for positive things to do.

I have even given myself an early morning shower and I can smell the fruits of the shampoo and soap on my body my mind feels peaceful and acceptable of my present state.

I push on with myself.

I am weighing up what I should do today but instead of panic about it.

I remain very peaceful and agreeable with myself to the fact whatever decision I make will be ok. No hurry, no need!

I push on.

As a new chapter in my life begins Let’s call it chapter 75 this chapter to begin Day by day with a peaceful outlook and happy thoughts and to use my life expectancies to share with others.

I move on.

With my mind in this happy space, I find myself asking where does money fit into this chapter of my life.

Survival comes to mind.

I can’t picture myself with no money.

Ok then my thoughts say give me a senecio of how much money you will need not want to survive peacefully.

Not a bad thought perhaps. Let’s see.

Roof over my head Food.

Bus fares.

Utilities.

Perhaps a little savings.

Basically, this is what one needs to survive. However, there is other things that would make your life a little less stressful.

A car at my age (bus)hard work

I move on.

My Family sincerely the greatest of them all there is not enough words in the universe to describe their importance to me — my lifeline, my mental support, my reason for living, every one of them.

I move on.